for my girlfriend...

There's still a lot of things that I'm too scared to tell you...

Every bit of you is engrained in me.

A whiff of your scent triggers a memory,

The sound of your voice awaken my soul.

I could sit here and write about what I love about you and I still wouldn’t cover it all.

What a difference two years makes…

You haven’t left my thoughts. Ever. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss the stories you would unfold in my ears. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment lived with you. I despise every moment without you. I miss the portrait I’ve painted of you with my mind. And I could spend hours trying to explain why it still hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you. And sometimes I’d rather not know that you miss me too.

I would love to know why the thought of you still keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know if I have the same effect on you. Your eyes are still my favorite place to get lost in. Your heart is still the only place I can call home. Your arms are the single greatest comfort I’ve come to know. And call me crazy, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand the effect your smile has on me.

Sometimes when I look at you, I just want to kiss you. More than anything, I just want one kiss. A kiss to tell me that you trust your lips against mine. A kiss to prove to me that I can still see the world with my eyes closed. A kiss to remind me that actions do truly speak louder than words. I miss the paradoxical feeling of having my lungs filled with the sweetest air possible, yet still feel so breathless.

It terrified me that I had the responsibility of catching you when you said you were falling in love with me. Not because I wasn’t ready or that I wasn’t already in love with you, but because I’ve never been trusted with such fragile and genuine feelings before. I failed you. And now what terrifies me the most is that you request me not to be there to catch you.

But it already feels like an eternity ago when it was all so real. I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. I traded away the peace I found when you rested your head on my chest to listen to my heart beat. I traded away the harmony I found in your voice when you talked me to sleep while I ran my fingers through your hair. I traded away the bliss I felt when you first called me Hun and made me realize that I would never be the same again. I traded away the way you made me feel that nothing else has compared or even come close to. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.

I’ve lost you, and yet I still love you. A different definition this time around. A love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Unspoken. Unconditional. Resilient. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger that I become ashamed to feel. Ashamed, not just for the wrong things that I have done, but also for the right things that I failed to do.

I forced myself out of a love that was given to me unconditionally. I forced myself into the dark, until I could no longer remember how to feel with my eyes. I forced my mind to believe that I loved you more than you ever loved me. But the worst part was selling my soul for a price I know I can never repay, and forcing myself into thinking that you never truly loved me because you never would’ve left. It brings a subtle devastation to my life knowing we could never be, because I was always willing to bet my life that you were meant for me.

You were the kind of secret I couldn’t keep to myself. And I didn’t really think about where it would end up because I was so enthralled in trying to recapture the best feeling that I’ve ever felt. No excuses. I turned my back on the one person that believed they could count on me. Never in a million years will I ever be able to forgive myself for destroying the world I once considered my everything. Not being able to have the only thing you want out of life hurts a lot more than they say it would. And I deserve every morsel of pain and suffering. I just hope one day that I’ll fully comprehend how much you truly loved me.

Think of this as a simple love letter- full of emotions I cannot express, telling you everything you should hear with the words only my heart could comprehend. You are everything when I’m convinced that I should be nothing at all. Simply put, thank you. For every second of your time, every ounce of your patience, every bit of your effort, and every drop of your love.

For always,

VII∞IX

It’s been awhile, but I’ve had much to write about

Love is a funny thing. I expect it to be easy. I expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. I expect you to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. I expect you to calm me down when i’m yelling or to chase me when I walk away. I expect so much that I feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all my plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around me can’t comprehend why I do the things I do, or why I fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds me when i’m in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t you calming me down when I yell. It’s you yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at me, right in my face to wake me up and to keep me grounded. It isn’t me bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make our relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of us both, and yet me showing up the next morning anyway. It’s not you saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle me. So no, it’s not me caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s me standing there, admitting i’m just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

Letter number 26

Dear Babe,

I’ve been going through so much lately. I haven’t found a lot of reasons to smile, but I want to let you know that whenever I feel like crying and breaking down I think of you and I manage a smile. You make me happy and the thought of you reassures me that everything will be ok. You don’t know how many times I’ve held myself back from crying. As strong as I make myself look, I am weak inside. If there had to be anyone in this world that could always make me smile, it would be you. It would be you because of all the simple things you do in life that make me happy. It’s because your smile makes me smile and the thought of you makes me smile. I don’t know what my life would be life if I didn’t meet you. It would probably be plain and untouched by love. I’d probably end up liking some other person, who of course wouldn’t ever compare to what you mean to me. When I look into your eyes, I see love. I see everything, I see you. I can give you my heart and my love right now and forever. I hope nothing between us will ever change, but if anything had to change, it would be the love I have for you, because it would get stronger everyday.

Love,

Your Hun

Letter number 25

On our first week, I gave you the key to my heart. Well little did you know that I planned all this out and that key also opens this box. This box holds a ring, a ring that promises my love, my life, my everything. I promise to be by your side through all the good or bad. Through all the tears and laughs. Through heaven or hell. I promise to show you how much I love you everyday. I won’t ever take you for granted because I know how easy it is for you to walk away. I promise not to cheat on you because I know in my heart that you’re the only one I want for the rest of my life. I promise to listen to every little thing you say because it matters. I promise not to give up on you or us no matter how hard it gets because nothing worth having comes easy. Whenever we fight, I promise to apologize when i’m wrong and forgive you when you’re wrong. I promise to always try to be there for you whenever you need me and even when you don’t. And whenever you push me away or you walk away, I promise to always walk after you because I know that you don’t want me to leave, you’re just afraid I won’t understand. There are times when things are going to be difficult, but I promise to give us my best shot. My love for you will always be unconditional. I promise that my love for you won’t ever change and that it will only get better from here. Last but not least, I promise to love you for the rest of my life.

Babe, with this ring comes promises I intend to keep. You’ve made me the happiest person in the world by being my girl. Now I hope you do me the honor of being mine for eternity. For as long as you have this ring, you will always have my love and my heart.

Love,

Your Hun

Letter number 21

I’m not perfect. You aren’t either and the two of us won’t ever be perfect. But if I can make you laugh at least once, cause you to think twice, and I admit to being human when I make a mistake, hold onto me and give me the most you have. I’m not going to quote poetry, I’m not thinking about you every minute of every day, but I will give you a part of me that I know you can break -my heart. Don’t hurt me, don’t change me, don’t expect more of me than I can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when I make you happy, yell when I make you mad, and miss me when i’m not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Perfect people don’t exist, but there’s always one person who’s perfect for you. I’ve found my perfect person and I’m hoping I can be your perfect person.

I love you babe…til infinity

I may talk to other girls,
I may laugh with other girls,
I may even hug other girls,
But none of them will ever mean as much to me as you.
And if this picture isn’t enough proof, then i’ll spend my whole life proving it…<3

“You say I’m sweet for remembering every little detail about you. I’m not doing it to be sweet, I remember because I pay attention. I pay attention because I love you and I’m glad to be your exception.”

Letter number 20

Other girls get pampered by their significant others by taking them on shopping sprees, taking them out to elaborate dinners, buying them jewelry and other material things. Me, I’m 22, I work at Target, I don’t go to school, I don’t have my own place, and I don’t get paid a lot of money. But I will pamper my girl with love letters, hugs, kisses, and sweet surprises. Our dates consist of driving around, eating cheap fast food, and hanging out in my car. I don’t have to spend every single dollar that I have just to make her happy, but if I do it’s because I want to.

And if she’s down and I want her to feel better, I will dig into my change jar just to buy her some chocolate…

“They say that love like in the movies don’t exist in real life. I say it’s a good thing because we could make a way better story anyway =)”